I was SOOOO FUnny!
OK, I don't mean to toot my own flute, but it must be said, I AM A FUCKING FUNNY BITCH!
If you're anything like me you'll have a huge back catalogue of emails from ye olden days ...you know from around the time I first invented the internet.
Well, I got it in my head to trawl through all that crap and delete emails containing subject headings such as "Don't forget to tape tonights episode of Mr Belvedere", and LORDY, have I found gold.
Here is my response to one of those annoying 'getting to know you' chain emails my brother sent me.
I was soooo funny. Am I still funny? Tell me I'm still funny!
To : wizrulz@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: All You Need
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Used to be 11.30 in time for ET, but the whole Sembtember 11 thangs
ruined that show. Now i get up at midday in time for jerry.
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Anna Nicole Smiths interior designer, BobbyTrendy. How Could u not
want to dine with someone who's got this to say about their sexual
actiivites, "I like to get fucked everyday, and I don't care who
does it. They can be in a wheelchair or a stroller - I don't care. I
don't even bother to look over my shoulder and see who is doing it.
I wouldn't want to strain my neck."
3. GOLD OR SILVER.
Silver! Gold is for wogs like Ross. I am a delicate irish rose.
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Crossroads?
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Bold and the Beautiful and Footballers Wives
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
A cup of coffee, two cigs and if I'm lucky, chips and gravy from
Clems.
7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
A case of passion pop, a condom, and that guy I mercy pashed at the
Towny a few years ago, who looked like the mutant from The Goonies
with the small ears.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
Nup, but I can lick my own nipples!
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Alcohol, and knowing that people like Sophie Monk can become
household names.
10.WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Elizabeth Mary Therese Mother of God
11.BEACH, CITY, or COUNTRY?
Somewhere with a bar in the middle of a pool...doesnt matter where
12. SUMMER OR WINTER
Summer
13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Any flavour as long as it's smothered in caramel and fried.
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
katrinas special caramel deluxe popcorn
15. FAVORITE COLOR?
PINK!
16. FAVORITE CAR?
Anyhing pink with fins....like my men.
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
Cheese and vegiemite
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
Success and personal drive.
20. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Those giant ones that only flower once a century and smell like
rotting human flesh.
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD
YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
Well, i wasn't gonna say anything, but....last week I won 5 bucks on
a scratchie. Don't tell Rocky.
22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?
BEER!
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
It was white, but now has pink tulle and a picture of Olivia
Newton John in safari gear as the main feature.
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Stoopid question! 3 methinks
.
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
Somewhere with a bar in a pool....wouldnt need Depends then!
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Only in my personal life.
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:
As my mummy says "Every days a holiday for Wiz".
28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
Red, preferably in a four litre box.
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Got trashed, threw chairs at my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend,
probably spewed, probably ended up at the Towny.
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
Yeah, but only my skin's up for grabs....everything else is broken.
31. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
ALL OF YOUSE....y'all have jobs!
32. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU MOST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
My brother wrote, "Wiz (My sister) She has nothing better to do."
I'll probably just keep sending it back and forth to myself.
33. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
Jayne Mansfield. Her words of wisdom "If you want a better man you
have to build a better man trap", plus her heart shaped toilet,
leave me with no other choice.
34. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY WOULD YOU ASSASSINATE BEFORE THEY
COULD MAKE HISTORY?
Mike from Mike and the Mechanics, so he could never record that
FUCKING FUCKED SONG the Living Years
.
35. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY, WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HELP DURING
THEIR TIME?
I would have liked to have given Craig ( the ugly one) from Bros
a makeover in his heyday....it was sooooo unfair putting him in
between Matt and Luke Goss.
36. MAC OR PC?
Macs....mines spotty and blue.
37. WHICH IS CUTER; MICKEY MOUSE OR TWEETY?
Neither! I'd tweak Betty Boops Boobs though
38. WHICH SMELLS BETTER; PLAY-DOH OR A*D OINTMENT?
Play-doh. "What the fuck is A*D Ointment, is this some kind of sick
joke?" I like sniffing play doh...sometimes i lick it too.
39. WHO IS COOLER, SAMUAL L. JACKSON OR JOHN TRAVOLTA?
NEITHER!!!! The question should be who is cooler, Delta or Holly?
Answer, HOLLY!
40. IF YOU WERE A PREDATOR WHICH ONE WOULD YOU BE?
I would keep being a lady at the Town hall
41. IF YOU WERE PREY, WHICH WOULD YOU BE?
I would keep being a lady at the Town hall
THE END
To which my bro replied;
My stomach hurts, I was laughing for probably 10 minutes after I read your email, I fell off the chair and hit my head but still I managed to keep on laughing. You really are one in a million wiz, god bless you and Stay off the Fags.
He's right, even I want to take myself to third base. I am just precious.
If anyone can be bothered, copy n paste into an email and send me your witty replies (wizrulz@hotmail.com). I really don't expect much of a response to that request though.
If you're anything like me you'll have a huge back catalogue of emails from ye olden days ...you know from around the time I first invented the internet.
Well, I got it in my head to trawl through all that crap and delete emails containing subject headings such as "Don't forget to tape tonights episode of Mr Belvedere", and LORDY, have I found gold.
Here is my response to one of those annoying 'getting to know you' chain emails my brother sent me.
I was soooo funny. Am I still funny? Tell me I'm still funny!
To : wizrulz@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: All You Need
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Used to be 11.30 in time for ET, but the whole Sembtember 11 thangs
ruined that show. Now i get up at midday in time for jerry.
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Anna Nicole Smiths interior designer, BobbyTrendy. How Could u not
want to dine with someone who's got this to say about their sexual
actiivites, "I like to get fucked everyday, and I don't care who
does it. They can be in a wheelchair or a stroller - I don't care. I
don't even bother to look over my shoulder and see who is doing it.
I wouldn't want to strain my neck."
3. GOLD OR SILVER.
Silver! Gold is for wogs like Ross. I am a delicate irish rose.
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Crossroads?
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Bold and the Beautiful and Footballers Wives
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
A cup of coffee, two cigs and if I'm lucky, chips and gravy from
Clems.
7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
A case of passion pop, a condom, and that guy I mercy pashed at the
Towny a few years ago, who looked like the mutant from The Goonies
with the small ears.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
Nup, but I can lick my own nipples!
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Alcohol, and knowing that people like Sophie Monk can become
household names.
10.WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Elizabeth Mary Therese Mother of God
11.BEACH, CITY, or COUNTRY?
Somewhere with a bar in the middle of a pool...doesnt matter where
12. SUMMER OR WINTER
Summer
13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Any flavour as long as it's smothered in caramel and fried.
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
katrinas special caramel deluxe popcorn
15. FAVORITE COLOR?
PINK!
16. FAVORITE CAR?
Anyhing pink with fins....like my men.
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
Cheese and vegiemite
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
Success and personal drive.
20. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Those giant ones that only flower once a century and smell like
rotting human flesh.
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD
YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
Well, i wasn't gonna say anything, but....last week I won 5 bucks on
a scratchie. Don't tell Rocky.
22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?
BEER!
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
It was white, but now has pink tulle and a picture of Olivia
Newton John in safari gear as the main feature.
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Stoopid question! 3 methinks
.
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
Somewhere with a bar in a pool....wouldnt need Depends then!
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Only in my personal life.
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:
As my mummy says "Every days a holiday for Wiz".
28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
Red, preferably in a four litre box.
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Got trashed, threw chairs at my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend,
probably spewed, probably ended up at the Towny.
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
Yeah, but only my skin's up for grabs....everything else is broken.
31. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
ALL OF YOUSE....y'all have jobs!
32. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU MOST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
My brother wrote, "Wiz (My sister) She has nothing better to do."
I'll probably just keep sending it back and forth to myself.
33. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
Jayne Mansfield. Her words of wisdom "If you want a better man you
have to build a better man trap", plus her heart shaped toilet,
leave me with no other choice.
34. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY WOULD YOU ASSASSINATE BEFORE THEY
COULD MAKE HISTORY?
Mike from Mike and the Mechanics, so he could never record that
FUCKING FUCKED SONG the Living Years
.
35. WHICH FIGURE FROM HISTORY, WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HELP DURING
THEIR TIME?
I would have liked to have given Craig ( the ugly one) from Bros
a makeover in his heyday....it was sooooo unfair putting him in
between Matt and Luke Goss.
36. MAC OR PC?
Macs....mines spotty and blue.
37. WHICH IS CUTER; MICKEY MOUSE OR TWEETY?
Neither! I'd tweak Betty Boops Boobs though
38. WHICH SMELLS BETTER; PLAY-DOH OR A*D OINTMENT?
Play-doh. "What the fuck is A*D Ointment, is this some kind of sick
joke?" I like sniffing play doh...sometimes i lick it too.
39. WHO IS COOLER, SAMUAL L. JACKSON OR JOHN TRAVOLTA?
NEITHER!!!! The question should be who is cooler, Delta or Holly?
Answer, HOLLY!
40. IF YOU WERE A PREDATOR WHICH ONE WOULD YOU BE?
I would keep being a lady at the Town hall
41. IF YOU WERE PREY, WHICH WOULD YOU BE?
I would keep being a lady at the Town hall
THE END
To which my bro replied;
My stomach hurts, I was laughing for probably 10 minutes after I read your email, I fell off the chair and hit my head but still I managed to keep on laughing. You really are one in a million wiz, god bless you and Stay off the Fags.
He's right, even I want to take myself to third base. I am just precious.
If anyone can be bothered, copy n paste into an email and send me your witty replies (wizrulz@hotmail.com). I really don't expect much of a response to that request though.
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