Sunday, October 25, 2009

Halloween Hell

When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to watch Young Talent Time because everyone on it was a slut. That didn't stop me from naming my Cabbage Patch Kid Bevan, after my one true love who was eerily name Bevan too! *SWOON* What a HUNK!

So because my folks were such straights Halloween wasn't really *done* in our house. I did, however, go to one Halloween party and in a troubling precognition of what my adult body would turn out like, I was dressed like this kid:

As the years went on, I found I was typecast. I would always be the round, jolly orange girl in the corner. High school was hell.Then I met a man with a similar upbringing. He also wasn't allowed to watch YTT. He wasn't even allowed to watch the Brady Bunch because, you guessed it, everyone on it was a slut.

The pumpkin dude is ok, but we find "congress" to be difficult due to our round shapes. We have consulted obesity websites, but all those tips require a large member. So here I am, rotund, orange and uselessly married to this dude:

Thanks to my parents early imput, the trajectory of my life has been globular and lame. In my twilight years I will look like this:

I often wonder how my life might have turned out if my parents had dress me like this when I was three:

As the years passed I would have got just that little bit more sexier. Darryn O'Malley probably would have asked me to the year 3 Halloween Disco if he had known this was gonna pop out:

Year six would have been all hot babes and fast cars. Damn my parents and their conservitive, pumpkin loving values.

I probably would never have dropped out of uni and settled into a life of orange mediocrity. I could have flown out of the bible belt on my vibrating broom. I'd probably land in Hughs grotto, and you would be tuning in to watch me on channel E right now!

I would have married well, probably to a man of the cloth and a woman of the wicca persuasion. Damn things could have been good.

So at this time of year, I reflect on what could have been. As I step into another form fitting pumpkin suit, I look at my pumpkin dude and think to myself "If only I had been allowed to be a slut all those years ago".

Parents, take heed! Every pumpkin shaped costume is doing your kid damage. Get that beyatch into a corset and suspenders stat. There really is nothing worse than being a wall pumpkin.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are the bestest most hillarious magic pudding shaped lady in the cosmos. woops, i mean orange pumpkin lady. i love you cause you make me larf so hard i pee wee my pant holes x

3:03 PM  

Blogger Wiz said...

oh man - the magic pudding post! It has to happen! tHAT WAS FICTION, BUT THE MAGIC PUDDING IS real, real, realXXXXXXXXXXXXX

3:27 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home