Sunday, April 30, 2006


Hey chicklets. Sorry I have been absent, but a bad man faceplanted me in an alley way in Glebe and knocked out most of my front tooth.

Yeah it sux, but whatchya gonna do?
Here is me after no sleep, looking very puffy.
Half of what's left in that pic fell off too, and my nerve was hanging down inside my mouth OUCH.

Anyway, I finally get a new tooth on Thursday, and God Bless parents, I say, 'cause there ain't no way Miss Boobs was gonna be able to afford that little visit(s) to la dentist.

At least I know what I'd look like with collagen in my top lip. Like I was wearing sausages.

Hope u is all watching Big Brother. The poof is a total spunkrat.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Big Brother 2006!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK...lets talk Big Brother!!!!!
How exciting!!!!

I haven't watched TV for three months (don't worry, I haven't gone mad, just joined the Video Ezy dvd club...4 movies a day, 2 of them new releases, for 30 bux a month. I have seen so much CRAP!).

So yeah, what was I saying? Oh TV, none of it, three months, Big Brother, awesomeness, so many slappers and chunky men who all want to skull jugs of illusions and fingerbang like it's can ya not loves it?

Here are my feelings on last nights events.

Gretal: love to hate her, hate to love her. I found the suit ensemble a little too confronting. A touch of the " I'm a backup dancer for the Rogue Traders and I give good head" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
She also looks like she's got a touch of osteoperosis, but let's move on.

The Twist: How good is this country? The big twist is that thay've put in mother and daughter scrubbers who both got boob jobs 7 weeks ago, and have to pretend they don't know each other. Man, I hope they have to pash! I mean what if they're all playing spin the bottle and it points to them? Everyone'll be suss is they don't suck face!

Are you there God? It's me, Wiz. Please make the Krystal pash the Karen.

The Second Twist: It has been alleged that one of those chunks of man flesh is a *gasp* homosexual.
Who could it be? It's not Gaynor (or whatevs his name is). Come on guys, just 'cause his names Gay and he's a male model! Let's think ouside the square.

I think it's that big nugget with the blonde hair that got fines for talking when Big Brother was talking. Or maybe it's the quiet Croation. Actually, it's probably him. He went into lockdown with his mum.

Big Brother: He's being a real arsehole this year, isn't he?

: I have a feeling I'm gonna cop a bit for this, but I like the kid. Sure she's hideous and she has a car called Paris, but she said she looks like a slapper, and I admire that.

Sluts: This house is obviously full of sluts of both the male and female variety. Fingerbanging WILL happen. Oral WILL happen. Bits Will be exposed.
Heck, all the girls were in their bikinis within half an hour of entering the house.
Call me crazy, but if I knew I was on the first episode of Big Brother in prime time, I'd keep my frock on for a little while. A little mystery ya know!

The Melting Pot: Do my eyes decieve me? Is that an Asian I see before me. Oh wait, she's telling me she loves to eat meat pies and watch footy and her biggest turn off is people who come to this country and don't act Aussie. As you were.

In Conclusion: No fat chicks. One Asian who is more Aussie than Warnsey. Sluts. Slappers. Bogans. Grogans. A sensitive farm boy with VERY white teeth. More abs than you can poke a cheese stick at. Mother and daughter with matching boob jobs even though they are self proclaimed "hippies". Fingerbanging for sure. This year will rock.

Grill It Johnny Style

I love Johnny Depp.
I love cheese.
I love these people who conducted an experiment to make grilled cheese sandwhiches just like Johnny does in Benny and Joon...with an iron!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Don't Touch Jason Priestley's Gun

Learn gun safety with Brandon Walsh. And remember, if you see Jason Priestley....

Don't Touch!
Leave the area!
Tell an adult!

Pretty Kitty

Some people just get prettier with every passing year.
Jocelyn Wildenstein is starting to look a tad like Mealnie Griffiths with the mumps.
Loving it.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

US Intelligence

My Week Of ROCK

I spent much of last week attending music events. Here are my reviews in haiku, prefaced by twee Mastercard type price guides.

Rolling Stones
Train Fare To Olympic Park; $5.20... Tickets: Free (thanx ma and pa)... 2 beers; 10 bux... Hearing Keef Richards tell me the Telstra Stadium would be empty without me.... Priceless.

Mick ran like a youth.
Jerry Hall is a tranny.
They are one inch high.

(FYI: Jerry obviously wasn't there, 'cause her and Mick broke up ages ago, but admit it... She looks like a man horse!)

The Darkness

Return ticket to Milsons Point;Too much... 5 or 8 beers $???? Tickets; Three booby dances for the man I love... Seeing Justin Hawkins do a guitar solo whilst being carried in the air through the crowd on two security guards shoulders...Priceless

The best band on earth
We rock out with our cock out
Juzz we salute you

The Great Escape
Courtesy Bus to Bumfuck NSW 3 bux... Ticket; free (my bros in the band)....Stimulants; free ( see previous point).... seeing my little bro slapping his skins on the big stage; Priceless.

It's cold in BumFuck
Port-a-loos smell like hell poo
Hippies don't dress right.

So there you have it. And now I have the flu.

Friday, April 14, 2006


Is this the most ill judged advertisement ever created????????
Click on it to enlarge if you are Gary Glitter.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Paris Chunks

This would be even cooler if it were here own spew, but hey.
Here are photos of Paris gliding through random vomit. If you would like to see the carrot bits close up, click on the picture. I love her face. Nothing can harm that retarded facade. NOTHING.

Why I Invented The Internet

You know, the internet is full of mad crazy stuff.

If you had told me in 1989, when Bedroom Eyes was the highest selling Australian single, and I invented the internet, that my invention would be used for advertising painted babies and meat cyborgs, I would have been flabbergasted.

But here we are in 2006 and my little creation is doing just that. Thankyou Stuart, who pointed me in the direction of this wonderful photographer, Becky Carter, who is not only awesome because her name is almost the same as Bec Cartwrights. She also makes 6 year olds look like 40 year olds, and if we can't admire that, this world has gone to the fucking dogs.

Go and look at her portfolio. It is truly wonderous. This is what dreams are made of (in the immortal words of Lizzie Macguire in her Lizzie Goes To Italy movie).

Friday, April 07, 2006

Bwah HA HA

Oh Mario, you makea me laugh up all a my spaghetti!

Tape Swap

My latest vanity project is Tape Swap. It's basically co-ordinating a large scale mix CD swap between friends.

I can't be bothered writing about it here, 'cause I spent all day yesterday setting this baby up.
If you're interested and live in Australia, go check out the deets here at Tape Swap.

It's gonna be a blast.

Bad Shania

Looks like Shania is at it agaoin. When she's not busy
posessing drunk drivers,
she's off killing husbands!

A Hampshire woman, 49 year-old Linda West,
on trial this week for murdering her husband,
sensationally blamed the incident on Shania
Twain. Prosecutors say the couple had argued
after drinking and West had deliberately shot
her husband. Neighbours had reported hearing
shouting coming from their flat, but Linda
claims she shot her husband accidentally when
he gave her his shotgun so she could dance
sexily for him to Shania Twain's Man, I
Feel Like A Woman.


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

How The Mighty Fall

It's time to come clean.
After nearly two months of sobriety I fell off the wagon.
But it's OK, 'cause I landed in another wagon....a PADDY WAGON!

No really, it's true.

No one could accuse me of doing things in half measures.

Here are the camera phone pics.
I am very blurry, but that is me in the top left photo attempting to kill myself on St Peters station unless I get some M and M's.Although I eventually got my M and Ms, in between, Ross threw a garbage bin across the platform, enraged by booze and my histrionics.

By the time the cops arrived we were hapily chatting and munching away on said M and M's.
Peace had settled over the fair nation of St Peters.

The lovely Police Women told us they would drive us home, and in our drunken state we treated this like an offer from our bestest friends (or 'besties' as we call them at Saddle Club).

"Oh really, that would be so great, I hope it's no trouble".

Ha! No trouble! They wanted us off their streets, pronto.

Ross tried to get them to pose pushing my head into the back, but they politely declined.

I have to say, it's pretty dodgy in there. It's like a little cell built out of a port-a-loo.

There were no seatbelts so I could not hang myself. This was unfortunate because I really was getting a hankering for a Pollywaffle about then, and through positive reinforcement, I had learned that evening that the best way to get chocolates is to threaten self harm.

So that is my story of how I fell off the wagon...
And that's how we ended up getting driven home in the back of a divvy van.

Epilogue: I spewed for two days afterwards. My liver has returned to the state of a babies and all those years of buliding up tolerance have been wasted.
I am now back on the wagon.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

True Love

Hey Ash, you should get ya hands on some of this sort of maternity wear!
So delicate and feminine.

Any ways, I love Jordan. Bless her cotton sox.
Here's a great collection of her and Peter, looking fabulous.

Such an attractive couple.

Here's a refresher for those of you who've forgotten the wedding of the century.

And finally, here is the tattoo I'm getting that Jordan already has, 'cause she ROX!

Actually, mines a prettier design, and I gotta say Jords, my arse is a bit better than yours. But hey lovey, you can't have it all!