Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Lego Suicides

The Lego Suicides....I like people!

Truckface Is Hungry 'N' Sad

Stupid Truckface Anniston is sad because a big tongued Brit with a chronic speech impediment won't play with her.

Jennifer Aniston has told friends that she feels betrayed by Jamie Oliver. The actress is furious after learning that the chef has agreed to cater for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's forthcoming wedding.

A source told The Mirror, "Jennifer considered Jamie to be a friend so when she saw pictures of him having a cosy dinner with Brad, Madonna and Guy Ritchie in London's Locanda Locatelli this week, she was devastated.

Dumb tard! She should get Suasage Fingers Huey to cater. She looks like she needs a good dose of bangers and mash.
Maybe THIS naked chef can bang and mash her!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Roy Orbison Glad Wrapped

I thought I'd seen it all, until this fell into my INBOX this morning, courtesy of my bosom buddy Nellie; Ulli's Roy Orbison In Cling Film Site.

Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film.

If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site.

If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links.

They really are amazing stories! I cannot stop returning for a reread.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Marlon Brando Sucks

Because I am such a good little lady, I have managed to dig up the 'infamous' pic of Marlon Brando kissing a pee pee... He was so handsome in those early years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Child Of Hulk

Wanna Know when you can legally have sex with Hulk Hogans daughter, Brooke?

Look at the father! I really don't advise it, but you are your own free person.
When is she legal?

You could cut some of that extraneous hair off and fashion a daddy mo for her...but ya gotta wait 98 days 01 hour 37 mins 12 seconds, and counting. Well I guess LEGALLY, you can make her a daddy mo right now, if she consents.

See peeps. Sex isn't the only fun thing you can do with the ladies!
Moustaches for everyone!

Say Cheese

This picture should really be clicked on, so you can enjoy it in all its glory!

Salamander Man

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Dutch police have arrested a thief they dubbed the "salamander man" who talked his way into the homes of dozens of unsuspecting people by saying he was looking for his lost salamander, hamster or iguana.

Police said on Monday they had been hunting the 33-year-old homeless man for months and that he had admitted to about 60 thefts in towns across the country.

Once inside a house, the man stole wallets and loose cash. Police arrested him on Friday after a tip off and found nine empty wallets in his car, which had been stolen the day before.

OK, I know the pic is an axolotyl, but it's much cuter than a salamander so shuddupaya face.

I used to own axolotyls, but found the death rate a bit too disturbing. The one pictured looks alot like a little lady that lived with me called Ginger Pubes. The other critters were named Pugsley, Wednesday (those two were black), La Toya (she was black too) and William (he looked like an accountant).

Who took my salamander? Who found my Salamander? Ps. I will find my Salamander.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Maddox Is Stylin'

USA TODAY dissects Maddox's fashion moxie with celebrity hairstylist Frédéric Fekkai and Molly Britt, owner of the MollyAnna baby clothing line favored by Jennifer Garner and Tina Fey:

The clothes

His posh-punk duds come complete with biker T-shirts, and camo pants and jackets.

• "He always looks comfortable and casual and cool, and he shows off his mom's and his personal style," says Britt. "He looks free and loose and fun. The cotton T's and cargo pants and hoodies are perfect for on-the-go kids. His mom looks happy and comfortable with herself, and so does he. Reese Witherspoon's children, for example, typically look polished, just like Reese, who is red-carpet ready all the time. But Maddox's style is a perfect fit for him and his busy family."

The hair

His jet-black hair varies from slick to spiky to a full-blown mohawk.

"This is a reflection of his parents and of him being cool and out of the ordinary," says Fekkai. "It's a great look for him because he's a very cute kid and the hair is fun. It says, 'I'm not a geek. I'm a kid that's into fun and entertainment and art.' I would keep the spiky look without making it too radical or severe. But the mohawk is a bit out there. I would not do my son like this, and it's not that I'm conservative. You just have to be careful that other kids don't make fun of you. But I guess when you are Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, you can maybe afford to take that risk!"

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Full House Curse

OMG...I can't believe I just wrote OMG, but OMG!!!! Little Stephanie Tanner from Full House is a recovering meth addict.

The reason I am soooooo shocked is beacuse that bitch died on a rollercoaster years ago. Remember? Just because she was famous they let her on the ride, even though she was clearly shorter than the sign said. Then when the rollercoaster went upside down, she slipped under the safety bars and plummetted to her death.

Everyone knows THAT story.

Anyway, her bongo playing relo, Uncle Jesse said, "I love and support Jodie and I'm here for her in any way that she needs me."

Oh yeah, I forgot, Stephanie Tanner likes to be called Jodie Sweetin in real life, and Uncle Jesse goes by the bizzare moniker, John Stamos.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Penis Art

I love peenies, and I love art. Together at last... spread ya wings and fly!
I like how Dean Adams doesn't discriminate, utilising both chopped and unchopped pee-pees! Pretty cocks.

From The Mouth Of Babes

"If a fucking camera could blush, it would be fucking red because you are so fucking hot. If you keep doing that [sucking my dick], we won't have to shave me in the shower tomorrow."

- Colin Farrell to his former Playmate girlfriend Nicole Narain in the sex tape we have been DENIED by the powers that be.

Tom Loves Y'all

Yesterday I interviewed 4th runner up Australian Idol from the Guy vintage, Paulini.
She was very sweet and it was a very easy interview.
The only hiccup was when I refferred to her single, 'Rough Day' as 'Rough Trade'. HAHA i am an idiot!

Anyway, when I was researching, I found this deeply worrying post on a fan forum;

hey if u have myspace i found paulini's. she has no friends besides tom so if u got it add her.

Ha! Don't fret, she now has friends.

Oh, while I'm here, did you know that I have a myspace profile?
Be my friend!

Hel Looks

Thank You Mwah Mwah to Megan who introduced me to Hel Looks.
Lovely pics and descriptions of street fashion in Helsinki.

I'm sure the lovely Adz (who u can find in my links under Helsidni) will have a lot to say about this, being in Finland and all.

I have managed to waste two hours on this site, and it has made me want to go and buy clothes.
I have discovered that I am already very fashionable. Did you know "Drunkenness and hangover are in fashion at the moment."

I feel enlightened.

Big kisses to the girl who said "I am wearing black because my plants died today" and the young man who is inspired by pirates and Jesus kitsch.

"My idols are George Harrison and Burt Reynolds. They've got the styles. My style is erotic."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Tom's A Dick # 666

I'll let Defamer do all the hard work on this one:

TOM CRUISE has given his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES a unique 27th birthday present - a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in.

The WAR OF THE WORLDS star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career.

A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, “Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child.”

While we can only guess at the contents of these Cruise movie themed messages (“Will you be my co-pilot? Love, Maverick.”…”Dear Katie: Always respect the cock! And enjoy Magnolia! Ha, ha! Love, Tom”), we have no doubt this deeply personalized gift was exactly what Holmes was wishing for as she blew out her birthday candles. But being whisked away moments later by her escorts to a sensory depravation chamber for a fun-filled 76-hour Tom Cruise reprogramming session film festival was simply the icing on the proverbial cake!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Who Took My Frog?

Oh my Lord...WHO FOUND MY FROG?????
Click on the pics///it's better than Men Of The Internet.

RIP Shelley Winters

The fantasabille Shelley Winters has died, aged 85.

I know she was originally a sex symbol, but I will always remember her as crazy Lydia in Witchfire.

Tagline: Not since "Cuckoo's Nest" has insanity been so much fun!

She had a weird voice and chubby ankles. I liked her alot!

I hope they have sticky date puddings in heaven, Ms Winters!

Girl Fight Tonight

OK, so the deal is this. Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan were out partying last week, when LL went up to a stranger and asked if she had a "sharpie" she could borrow.

At first I thought that was like a "roofie", but upon delving deeper into the story, discovered it was more like a pocket knife.

Anyways, LL proceeded to the bathroom, and etched into the wall;
“Scarlett is a bloody cunt / L / Peace and love / [illegible] / fucker.”

Well Scarlett IS prettier than her, fucks WAY cuter boys (and also screwed Jared Leto), and gets heaps better roles than poor LL.

While we're here, why is Mossy hanging out with this young scrag?
Play with someone your own size, Katey.
Aaaaargh, what do I care. As you were.

FYI: A couple of years ago someone wrote WIZ SUX on the back of a dunny door in one of my locals. Upon further inspection I found heaps of little WIZ SUX hidden amongst the other graffitti. I kind of felt, really special. I mean, someone felt that much negative passion towards me. I know who it was. If that Kylie ever recovers from breast cancer, I'll bash her little face in...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Sore Foot

Last night we had a surprise party for me Mum's 60th. It was fun.

When I got home, however, I stacked it big time in my stripper heels, and fucked up my foot royally. A lump the size of a tennis ball swelled up on my ankle. I cried.

Today I have had to sit on a skateboard to get to the dunny....
I like to sing "I have no legs, I have no legs"

Tomorrow I will go to the hospital and get my tootsie amputated.
Now I am a pooing, footless wonder.


Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Different Strokes

Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas showed up five hours late for an interview with Jay McInerney because he was feeling "a little sad" and had fallen asleep.

I just thought that was sweet. I am a sucker for sad little wieners who are worth lots of money.

Don't cry for me, I am already dead.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Suicide Roo

When I told Skippy to do the Harold Holt, I didn't mean it literally.

Swim Skip, swim.

Sex, Poo And VHS



HAHA. No really, who wouldn't fuck Joe Simpson?
But really, that's getting off the track a leetle bit.

It seems that Ashley has a sex video doing the rounds. Only screencaps are available at the moment, so that is all ya gonna get. Is it true???

Before N3mo, The Naysayer pops on over and tells me it's not her, and it's really just a picture of her photoshopped onto a chicken breast fillet, I'd just like to say, "I... don't... care...".

Moving right along, I really want to get my hans (and my hands for that matter), on the Brit/Kev root tape. It sounds gold.

According to Us Weekly, a member of the couple's low-rent entourage "has threatened to release raunchy footage of the two taken before Spears looked pregnant [that was copied from a tape in the Spears/Federline collection].
" A copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers elicited laughter and disgust."

HAHA thats funny.

Oh, and for those of you who care about my health status, I am still producing an unnatural amount of liquid poo.
Thankyou and Goodnight.

Only Women Bleed

Poor little Mischa Barton had the painters in, and forgot to put down any floor covering.

Lord knows that is totally embarro! It happened to me on a much grander scale, during school assembly, when I was a wee little lass. It was a character building experience, straight from the pits of hell.

But this isn't about me, it's about that clean little Marissa Cooper. Why oh why is she dressed entirely in white, though?
When you're expecting a visit from Aunty Flow, the safest option is tweed. Everyone knows that!

If you want a closer look at her bloody crotch, click on the picture, ya weirdo!

By the way, that pic was reappropriated from Pink Is The New Blog.
Trent, you make me want to LALA

The Player

I love finding gems at op shops and garage sales, but these people hit the jackpot when they came across The Framed Player Collection at a swap meet.

I once bought an ugly photo album because it had a picture inside of a dog that looked nearly identical to mine. It was the only pic inside and I saw it as some sort of omen...what sort of omen, I ain't sure. Oddly enough, the next day a small child named Damien rode his tricylce around my house making eerie noises on the linoleum.


My fabulous friend Katie found a stack of albums on rubbish night. Inside was the most amazing collection of fan photos. Some dude with Kate Cebrano, some dude with Transvision Vamp(!), some dude with my favourite band of all time, Bros!!!!!!

She actually made a bit of cash off one album which was full of Michael Hutchence photos.
Maybe that dog in the photo I own will do a Taco Bell ad, become famous, and then auto-asphyxiate himself. I will be RICH RICH RICH.

So anyway, go and look at the Player collection. It is rawther impressive.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Bizzy Pooing

Sorry fans and airconditioners (hahahaha, I am so funny, I fell off the toilet!), I have been absent.
Thanx for the 36 million (literally) emails of concern. I am alive, but rapidly shrinking.

The good lord heard my prayer ( you know the one about being as skinny as an Olson), and has blessed me with gastro. Today is day five, and I gotta say, it's cheaper than coke, and IT'S REALLY WORKING.

I am starting to look really HOT! Sure, my whole house smells like the holocaust, and no boys want to sniff my grundies, but I LOOK LIKE A CRACK WHORE!

I must stop writing, I think the runny poo is dripping into my brain.
ADIOS my fine crew, I will return tomorrow???, Yeah sure, why not? Tomorrow it is!

PS. can anyone recommend any good movies? I have watched about 30 in the last week and have only enjoyed two.

PPS. I have the new John Waters movie on reserve...YAY!

PPPS. When did this blog turn into a letter?

PPPPS. Do not, I repeat, do not hire "Fear Of A Black Hat; This is Spinal Rap", the title is the funniest bit.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Crimes Of Passion

Being the proud owner of both a foxy-chihuahua, and a porn enthusiast, this news article made me chuckle with joy;
A police officer escorting a teenager home from a traffic stop Thursday morning was attacked by a pack of Chihuahuas at the front door of the boy's home.

The officer suffered bite wounds to his ankles, was treated at Washington Hospital and returned to work within two hours, Fremont police Detective Bill Veteran said.

The incident happened at 3 a.m. at a home on the 200 block of Preston Court when the officer and his partner were returning home a 17-year-old boy they had detained at Butano Park and Tenor Court for driving without a license, Veteran said.

When the front door opened, the dogs rushed the officer, Veteran said.

Even at that early hour, it wasn't the first odd experience to involve Fremont police on Thursday.

At 1:15 a.m., a woman reported that she had been sleeping in her home on the 300 block of Stonebridge Drive when she heard someone typing on her computer in her den, Veteran said.

When she went to check on the noise, she indeed saw a man at her computer. He fled the home, and the woman discovered he had uploaded a pornographic screen saver to her desktop.

Nothing appeared to have been taken from the home.


Quitting Hurts

Alrighty, that past fortnight was all a bit crazy, oui oui???
Yes, and wee wee and poo poo and vomit vomit!
I hope everyone had a fun Santa season, blah blah, blah.

So I had the brilliant idea of quitting smoking 4 days before new years...IDIOT!
New Years Eve turned out to be a pack and a half night, buy hey; I got back on that generic brand nicotine patch pony the next day, so up yours grandpa.

It's been suggested that these old patch things induce very strange dreams, mainly of a sexual nature. YAY!

Unfortunately, that has happened to everyone in the world, except me. My little brain said, "erotic dreams, bah, who needs it!? What this little lady needs is night after night of crystal clear dreams about her family having interventions for her, about her drinking problem."

Well that's just neat, braino. No wonder I am trying to slowly kill you, one cell at a time!
They are so vivid. I wake up feeling like Nic Cage half way through Leaving Las Vegas, only with a better hair do and nicer mood lighting.

When I'm not dreaming about interventions, I am dreaming about members of my family dying slow painful deaths, due to my own ineptitude.
Quitting the durries is hard enough as it is, without these constant nightly guilt trips.

And to top it all off, I get to hear my boyfriend moaning and groaning next to me of an evening, as he withdraws the old fashion way, with highly erotic dreams of a multitude of sluts holding his hand and patting his head during this difficult time.

Jesus really does hate me.

Sexy dreams forum for quitters